I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
