If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
