the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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