Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
