i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
