who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
