Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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