I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
