Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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