So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
