420 ftw
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
