My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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