im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
