what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
