I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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