Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
