my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
