I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
