Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
