I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
