JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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