guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
