i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
