Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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