Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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