Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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