My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
