I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
