Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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