I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
