When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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