Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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