I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Be still, my beating vagina.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize