I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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