How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
