My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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