I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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