If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
