So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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