I am puke
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
