Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i think i just lost a toe
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
