well I can't set my house on fire every night
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
