fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
