Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
