You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
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