Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
