She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
