So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
