ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
