Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
