I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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