i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize