My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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