I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize