i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
