you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize