I'm jealous of your bromance
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
