My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
