My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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