Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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