So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
