Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
